Learning how to community

A photo I took on holiday at Tossa de Mar in Catalonia, Spain. A solitary bicycle seemed fitting for the topic. You know, because it connotes a lonely traveler, moving through life… alone. Also, I have loads of unposted travel pics over the years that I don’t know what to do with. (So expect to see more)

~~In this post~~

Why it took so long for me to join a writing community
Accountability? Nah, I’m good.
I’m not great at community, but I’m getting better!

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As an introvert, being social—online or off—is a massive energy expenditure for me. And most of that energy isn’t even spent on actually socializing, but in worrying that I’m about to say something weird. And, of course, you know what happens when you tell yourself: “don’t say anything weird, don’t say anything weird, don’t say anything weird....” Yep, you’re gonna do just that.

Anyway, I know I’m hardly alone in this. So many writers are introverts. But a lot of writers like me still make the effort to find a community for all the important reasons that communities exist: that very human need to belong to a group who can share in your successes and woes; being able to tap into the wisdom of the collective when you’re faced with a problem; and for creatives especially, the need to be held accountable to each other to ensure we all keep plugging away at our craft. Hence, we schedule write-ins at cafes or over Zoom, or short writing sprints, etc.

But as a lifelong loner, I’ve actually never needed anyone else to be around to ensure that I reached my goals. If I want something badly enough, ain’t nothing gonna stop me from showing up every day, rain or shine, to chip away at it. Add this obsessive hyperfocus to my introversion and social anxiety, and it means that having others in the room while I work, even if we’re all just doing our own thing, has always been more of a distraction.

And yet, I’m committed to doing it. Why? A few reasons. Because I know that being there helps those who wouldn’t have shown up unless I did. Even though it can be uncomfortable, I know that my brain is still reaping the mental health benefits of spending time with other people. (Sorry to have to go here, but loneliness and isolation are huge predictors of premature death.) Also, the more I do it, the easier it gets, which means I'm conditioning myself to be less worried when I’m around others in general, and that can only lead to good things.

But so many things about being part of a community just don’t come naturally to me. Things like checking Discord or some other community hub for the latest updates, or asking people for help, or asking others if they need help, or inviting someone to join me while writing, or asking someone to be my critique partner. These are not only difficult for me, but they are just things that never occur to me to do because I’ve been such a loner for so long.

Here’s the thing, though—I want to write the kinds of stories that really connect with others. Stories that have heart and humanity and, at the end of the day, celebrate all the things that make life worth living, regardless of the suck. And there’s a lot of Suck out in the world right now. And, yes, that’s Suck with a capital S. So how can I write stories that connect while people I’m completely disconnected from them? This is the way I’ve tried to do it for so long, and maybe some writers can do it successfully, but it’s just not working for me anymore.

So here I am, seeking out community and getting a little better at it every day.